Wednesday, February 12, 2014

In Case Of Cell Phone, Break Glass:

Okay folks, I’m tired.  I am sick and tired.  I am so sick and tired, I am going to blog about it.  Also known as let’s have a talk, about your cell phone and you.

Allow me to demonstrate.  This is a typical, I repeat, typical, complaint between several a different friends of mine and me.  On average, I hear this complaint at least once week.

Friend: My boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancĂ©/husband/wife is always on the phone. I can’t believe it.  Worse, s/he is too busy on the phone to talk/flirt/mate like a wild animal with me!

This is very much what I hear, all the time.  Allow me to tell you a series of solutions:

1. Make a Rule about cell phone use when together.

Healthy relationships have rules, spoken and unspoken.  We have unspoken ones like ‘do not say I look like an elephant, even if I do.’  Then we have spoken ones like ‘no you may not poke my friend’s with a stick when they bother you.’  And yes, that is a spoken rule in my relationship. Apparently, poking people is not encouraged.

Either way, rules make people happy, and will make your relationship happier.  If the cell phone use is bothering you so much, then it’s time to discuss rules with your special somebody. Just be aware. Everyone gets on everyone else’s nerves in some way especially with prolonged contact.  They will have rules for you too.

2. When on a date, don’t take your phone with you.

Oh no! The reader gasps in horror at the very idea of not having their cell phone with them.  What about in case of emergency!

Allow me to now stare at you in sheer horror. Unless you have dates that occur deep in the woods, or the desert, or the jungle, or the middle of the ocean, or some other suitably remote place, then you should probably be in public, and let me tell you about public. There are phones in every single business out there. 

They are call landlines, and operate via wires.  I know this comes as a shocker, but they exist.  And if you can’t find a semi-mythical landline, then just find the nearest teenager or other adult.  You really should have certain numbers memorized, like your parents, your significant others, your own, 911. Please tell me you have the last memorized.  That one’s the important one. 

Ah, but I see you aren’t so convinced.  Still need your phone on you? Face down in the table, all stacked on top, everybody’s. Then you don’t have it half so easy to fiddle with do you?  Everyone will be watching you in disappointment if you give in to the urge.  And if that doesn’t work, leave the gorram phone in the gorram glove compartment. Or, if you must…

3. Only take a single phone out.

This works on the guilt principle.  As in, ‘they don’t have one, so I shouldn’t use mine.’  Just make certain the one the feels guilty easier has the cell phone.

4. But what is someone needs to get a hold of me.

Allow me to tell you something super awesome amazing. It. Can. Wait.  When out on a date with the significant other, it can wait. When out with friends, it can wait. When out with family, it can wait.  In other words, when out in any capacity that renders you in a busy status:  It. Can. Wait. Even bad news waits, dudes.  Even horrible news can wait.  It isn’t good for you to be in always constant contact anyway.  It can wait.  They can wait until you are available.  If all else fails, you get a rousing game of phone tag out of it.

5. But what if plans change, or someone is late, or something happens that I need to know about right now!

Eh. You can’t handle a change of plans, or someone arriving late, or something happening?  Dudes, if it’s serious, someone will find you.  If not, just chill, relax, and have fun in the meantime.  I promise, except in extenuating circumstances, which you would hear about from those around you in public, you can have fun on your own for all of the fifteen minutes that you should have to wait before you can say adios to them and have fun on your own.  If you are very patient, you can make it all the way to thirty.  If there is a traffic jam, and they are stuck, then find out how back the traffic jam is, then find a good book store.  In other words: Just chill.  They’ll come find you to let you know, or just be running late. It’s not that big of a deal.  Very rarely, do you absolutely have to know right that very second.

One Final Byte: Dude, it’s just a phone. So Chill out.